As Derek and I continued to discuss the DirtySprocket.com visitor statistics he revealed that lists also do very well.

Hmm. This gave me an idea, which I'm testing with this post, hence the headline and content.

So, if you are easily embarrassed (like you would be at DirtySprocket.com if you were) or if you personally want to maintain the common misconception of my character as prudish and puritanical, then go to one of my other posts, because here comes my picks for... Five Favorite Movie Sex Scenes.

Okay, I know this whole post seems gratuitous so far, but stick with me because you'll notice the title calls for favorite, not the best gratuitous sex scenes (like I could name just five.)

So, obviously, my first criteria is that the sex scene must be warranted or at least making more sense than the gardener getting a drink of water from the kitchen tap, if you know what I mean (Come on, he could have just drank from the hose.)

My second criteria is in the title as well. They must be scenes, moments in the film, not representative of the entire film itself. Although, I appreciate films such as The Dreamers and Crash, those belong on another list: five best motion picture that seem like they're about sex but are really about something else which I haven't quite figured out.

My next criteria is that the scenes need to be straight sex. No offense meant to gays or lesbians, I just don't swing that way. While the sense of tortured homo-eroticism in The Talented Mr. Ripley or outright ridiculousness of Bound are effective, they just don't belong on this list.

My final criteria is that the scenes have to be believable in the expression of making love, with clear chemistry between the principles. So really the title of the list such be Five Favorite Motion Picture Love Scenes in no particular order, but somehow I don't think the Google ranking will be quite as good without the word sex.

Monster's Ball (2001)

Okay, this is a gimme. I defy you not to include it on you list. I've only seen the unrated version, but the love scene is aggressive and long enough that I soon forgot about the nudity and mostly remember being happy for the characters for the first time in the movie. It's sad too much as been made of this scene for the wrong reasons. Yes, Halle Barry is stunningly beautiful and Billy Bob Thornton is a little goofy looking, but get over it. It's a believable scene in a good movie about life's strange path to love.

The Name of the Rose (1986)

I was 16 or 17 when I say this on VHS at a friends house with a couple guys, needless to say we were transfixed by the clumsy and ripe love scene between Christian Slater as Adso the novice and Valentina Vargas as simply the girl. But in all fairness, we were transfixed by the whole atmospheric film. The scene is absolutely critical because if we didn't see it, we would not have accept Adso's confession in a later scene, or even the point of the movie.

The Big Easy (1986)

This is a good example of chemistry, as the movie has little ease going for it. It's been a few years since I've seen it, but as I recall the love scene between Ellen Barkin and Dennis Quaid is awkward yet steamy. Actually, it was really more of a foreplay scene with not really nudity. I think that's why it works. Too often, love scenes dive right into the act, with foreplay being little more than ripping off clothing, and both parties are satisfied after 30 seconds. By showing the preliminaries in The Big Easy, we're pretty convinced that the act itself was stellar. Okay movie with some likable characters and loads of great music.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

I think this was the second rated R movie I ever say. My mother gave me permission to watch it on HBO at a friends house. I must have been 12 or 13 and I really wanted to see it because, at the time, the big deal was the groundbreaking special effects of the lycanthrope transformation. And for good reason. The effects still holdup well, and more importantly, they did not overshadow all the other elements in this wickedly fun scary movie. The romance and love scene between David Naughton and Jenny Agutter makes this horror film also very tragic and touching. Though the main character of David Kessler is in lust with the English nurse Alex Price, I still find myself wondering if it was much more than lust for her. The sex scene is fairly brief, and initially seems by the numbers, but subtly becomes foreboding and bittersweet.

The English Patient (1996)

I'm starting to see a pattern forming in the choices. Apparently, I like love scenes in movies where the romance is tragic. There are a couple sex scenes between Kristin Scott Thomas as Katharine Clifton and Ralph Fiennes as Count Laszlo de Almasy, and they're all good. In the first love scene, Almasy violently tears Katharine's dress, then later in the scene, post-coital, the Count mends the dress. Later in the film, the two have a lusty, brief romp when they meet a Christmas party. As Katharine returns to the party she is meet by her husband, who eventually notices marzipan in her hair. It's wicked little details that make this movie. Okay, The English Patient is long, but if you're an adult you'll find it far more engaging than films of similar length, such as, oh, I don't know... Avatar.

There you have it. Now, I feel I've taken something of a risk, so I encourage you to post your comments, but please keep them PG-13.