It has become a ridiculous cliche in our society.  A politician or celebrity gets caught doing something they should not have been doing in the first place, this sets in motion a public relations machine.  Eventually the confessor makes a forced apology on Oprah and we as a nation say they learned their lesson.

There are several franchises currently going through these motions.  The creators of Transformers, Indiana Jones and Twilight are all telling us how they learned their lesson and how the new movies will be better than their predecessors.  There have been some big announcements along these lines recently.  However, these acts of contrition are ringing hollow.

Twilight: Eclipse (Wasn’t the World Supposed to Have Ended by Now?)

The Predecessors
Transcendent examples of boring passionless film-making.  I know I am not the target audience but watching a movie shouldn’t be like trying to pass a kidney stone.  Here is a visual review of the previous two movies.

The sequel will be better because…
There will be more action, fight scenes etc. because they are trying to appeal to a wider audience.  Specifically boyfriends who have been dragged to it against their will and possibly drugged, the male equivalent of date rape.

Why it’s bullshit
Huh?  Why do that when your primary demographic is eating out of your hand.  The new trailers touting Eclipse as some kind of bad ass action movie are an impudent lie.  Sure Eclipse might have more action but this in no way makes up for baseball-playing emo vampires and creepy underlying mysogynism.

The real vampire is the Summit Entertainment which is releasing the final installment of the series as a two movies.  Even Twilight fans have been left scratching their heads as not a lot happens in the last book.  It might be worth watching to see the train wreck that ensues when they try to stretch already thin material.  The prognosis: things are bound to get worse.

Transformers 3:  A bunch of stuff happens and the movie ends

The Predecessors
I’ve never seen the first film and Revenge of the Fallen is made bearable only with the use of Rifftrax and alcohol.  RoF’s one redeeming trait, the visuals, was lost amongst racist robots, sophomoric humor, bad acting, incoherent story telling and Shia Laboufe.

The worst moments in no particular order:
1.  A robot humps Megan Foxes Leg
2. John Turturo’s line:  “The Meat Store is closed.”
3.  A completely anti-climactic fight scene at the end (one robot knocks another off a pyramid)
4.  A Transformer that is a perfect female human form
5.  Every single moment the Twins are on screen.
6.  Robot testicles

The sequel will be better because…
As much as I hate Revenge of the Fallen I will cut the franchise some slack because the writers strike forced the film makers into using a  rough draft of the screenplay.  Wait you started making a movie without a finished screenplay?  The Ghetto Bots are out(rumored, probably false) and Megan Fox has been replaced by another model with questionable acting ability.  It sounds like Transformers 3 will be closer to the first film.

Why it’s bullshit
I can’t stand Fox  but she was the least of films problems.   I don’t like how she is being scapegoated but more people have been jumping on this band wagon lately and I suspect that it is one of the reasons Jonah Hex was a failure.  Her departure is mostly a relief for Michael Bay.  Even though the writers strike hurt Revenge of the Fallen someone decided to keep all of that crap in the movie and he is still in charge.

The biggest problem with Revenge of the Fallen is that it made no sense how robots and people could coexist in the same world.  On one hand you have giant robots, on the other people who are average human size, horrifyingly fragile and easily stepped on.  For this very reason fight scenes or any kind of action sequence between the two are difficult to accept, leaving suspension of disbelief impossible.

The idea that robots and humans are mutually dependent on one and other is contrived at best.  So many things are beyond control of the characters involved that their actions are reduced to running and hiding and this does not make for dynamic tension.   I am told this is better in the first movie but I remain skeptical.

Indiana Jones 5: The Quest to Transform Shia Labeouf into an action Star

The Predecessors

Indiana Jones has been kind of hit and miss.  Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade are entertaining and some would argue classic. Temple of Doom was a misadventure but not as bad as some people say.  Crystal Skull on the other hand is an abomination.

Take for example the completely unnecessary scene in which Indiana survives a nuclear blast in a god damn refrigerator after being thrown miles.  The movie should have ended with the door popping open to reveal archaeologist jelly.

Or how about later when they go over an enormous waterfall and all manage to stay in the boat and survive.  Then they say they have to go over two more but don’t show those descents.  Why say you are going to do something dangerous and not show it?  It was like you could plot the exact moment  the budget ran out.

The best thing about KoCS is that it gave birth to the term “Nuking the fridge”: an awesome term for ridiculous plot devices.  Also there were no Nazis.  Harrison Ford being old was the least of this movie’s problems.

The sequel will be better because…
Indiana Jones 5 was recently announced and it is said there will be less CG.  The film will deal with the Bermuda Triangle.  Call me crazy but I suspect Indiana Jones 5 will be about the search for Atlantis.  After all there was a game about this very subject.  This could help get the series back on track by giving it another mythic item to search for.

Why it’s bullshit

Lucas and Spielberg are two film makers whose best days are long past.  They lack any impetus to tell an original story or break any new ground.  The duo wants more money bottom line.

Spielberg’s fascination with Shia Labeouf is disturbing in a creepy uncle kindof way.  He keeps trying to force Labeouf into movies even though moviegoers aren’t embracing him. Spielberg and Lucas want a young vital replacement because Harrison Ford is quitting before they ride him into his grave.  But why Labeouf?  Nothing about him makes me think “action star.”

Let’s play a game, which one of the following images is not like the others?

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

Answer follows at bottom.

The promise that there will be less CG is a misunderstanding of the flaws of number four.  Crystal Skull was bad because everything in it was ridiculous.  How about the Russian agent that uses her psychic powers once in the movie.  Something doesn’t have to be done in CG for it to be ridiculous.  Sure it could remove the temptation to go over the top but I’m not even sure that I trust them to follow through with this promise.  The only way less CG would make Indiana Jones 5 intrinsically better is if Shia Labeouf is actually a computer generated character.

I don’t want to see another Indiana Jones movie unless the villains are Nazis.  Nazis work because they actually had an obsession with the occult.  For example a high ranking Nazi official, Rudolph Hess, who based astrological readings flew a plane over Great Britain and parachuted down because he believed that he could negotiate a treaty on behalf of Germany.

Nazi’s just work in the Indiana Jones Universe.  The problem with having Soviets fill the role is that there is no basis for this kind of thing.  The Soviet Union was communist and officially atheist.  Spielberg and Lucas must have realized this during the writing phase.  They included the agent with telepathic powers as a token measure to bolster the film’s mystical credentials and likely because of the flimsy historical basis for aliens.

Speaking of flimsy the Bermuda Triangle causes a similar problem.  Whereas the Raiders and Last Crusade worked within ancient mythology and religious tradition the Bermuda Triangle like aliens is a recent creation and doesn’t hold that same mystique.  All of the claims about the Bermuda Triangle’s para-normality are easily dismissible.

Indiana Jones 5 will likely be better than KotCS but that’s like saying you like flowers more than nuclear holocaust.  Also let us not forget Atlantis was already found by MacGuyver.

The Answer is C. God damn it.